Jus’ a thought

History is littered with Injustice


Clarity of Expression: Non-Fiction exercise deux

You Are My Center, when I spin away…
Love songs, Romance in movies and books, they do not speak to me nor do I find any remnants of myself within their concepts and depictions.

Hugs and Kisses, The arguments and make-ups, a carnival of emotions both ironic and cryptic without ever coming to any kind of conclusion unless for some inexplicable reason you find that rare old couple; they fit like a glove, they live having developing their own tailored “coping mechanisms”
For everybody else I see a merry-go-round of hypocrisy and force-fed hope
Marriages and weddings with the same script but ever changing characters.

‘Blame it on my Aspergers,’ I think to myself.

And it’s alright.
That I don’t get it, that I do not care for the Wheel of Romance.

But it would be great if somebody could explain what it’s all about!

Fear: Are you scared or…

I wonder; is hiding ones reaction unhealthy?
Allow me to elaborate;
I am versed in the skill of hiding my “fear” when around other people.

When a person scares me (unintentionally), my heart races, I almost jump out of my skin,

But the person wouldn’t know because on the outside I am as still as a mouse.

One becomes a master at masking their honest feelings when the world constantly crushes you, and you develop a mistrust, a deep suspicion (is anybody watching me, waiting to see me “being weird”)

On the other end of the scale I seem to scare everyone in my family because I walk (as my mother says) like a cat. (Not literally, I’m just really quiet, my foot steps light, my breathing calm)

I am incredibly conscious about the spaces I occupy, making sure I do not stand out, (a protection mechanism; because nobody bothers a ghost)

I rather enjoy my ninja status.

But I need to solve my anxiety problems (will I be less of a ninja when/if I do?)

So many decisions I make on what I wear and how I talk seem to be a muddle of aspergers and anxiety, so I don’t know where MY identity starts and where the effects of social ills have affected me begin.

Here’s to figuring that out.
Asperganoid OUT.

P.S.: What are Lumbersexuals attracted to?

Attack (not really) of the black rat (rattus-rattus).

Last year September, or thereabouts, there was a black rat in my place. At the time, i didn’t know about my asperger’s. but the extra sensory situation rendered me a nervous wreck.
If a see an ant; I will itch all over from the mere awareness of there being a little critter around. I generally do alright with slow moving creature (i can keep my eye on them).
But quick, zippy little critters with unpredictable movement (call the nerve-doctor); my heart rate, my ears and eyes perceive just about everything both far and near.
Butterflies are beautiful, but their flapping and seeming erratic movement sends me to evasive mode, arms tucked close to my chest, head buried deep in my neck.
the same with pigeons; i love those little grey pedestrians of the city. but when they take off! flap-flap-flap! gaaahr!
Back to the black rat (a small bodied, long tailed little creature); so fast if you blink you might miss it.
I cannot sleep in my small room so i go into the lounge; open space, sofa isn’t too bad plus the TV keeps the mind off the bugger.
since last year, there have been five of these little guys, some go in coffins, one ran out the door.
The most irking part, is that there are these periods of peace and quiet. the senses calm down, i walk around barefooted, cool tile floor and the hum of traffic i have grown accustomed to. and then Dash! Flash! woosh! a black shadow zips across the wall, next to a cupboard, by the door. and there’s another unwelcome guest.
So i must prepare for the upsurge of my nerves, the adrenaline, the misplaced fear because my senses are so potent on their own as it is.
Ah. to blog out my stresses. thanks 21st century.