Management of a jumbled brain

Things I manage to mismanage in my brain:

Reality

Perceptions

Expectations

Desires

Abilities

Inabilities

Actions

Inactions

One or two or several more get magnified and then I waste my time because I have my expectations all wrong completely ignoring the reality or I have it all right except I don’t take action or I focus on something but it is beyond my ability so I waste time and end up disappointed.

Who needs friends when you have a pillow?

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A poorly written letter by a green-eyed Turkey

NB: Might be having an episode or maybe too cowardice to pin what I am about to say to my chest.

A dross open letter to those who have ‘made it’ (even though they seem to be ignorant of that fact).

To all of you Functional Aspiez:

Dear FuAs’s! I am delighted (neigh, covetous) for your current conditions in life. Some of you have jobs, partners, kids, and others are students.

I do not mean to belittle any strife you may have within. Anxieties and hyper-sensativities and “shabby” social skills.

There are valiant advocacy battles being fought. And yet there is one area which bothers me; the argument about asperger’s not being a disability, or a syndrome, or a problem at all.

Now I must say, in the beginning; I was behind this call for change.

But my reality and many more others is not the same as the aspies who have some how ‘made it’.

I am baffled at how successful many are in life (perhaps I am just a colossal wreck? It’s not the aspie, it’s something else like being worthless or having to speak in 19th century tongue to express yourself properly)

But I literally cannot shed a tear for you when the first sentence of your problems in your blog has “boss” and “colleagues” in it.

Put aside for a second, the economic hardship we all face, jobless or not; I’m talking about mental struggles that prevent the first job interview from happening, that make school/college a war zone! The faces, the social structures, the general outdoors!

For some of us, there’s a force field thick as the moon by the door!

I have deep empathy for your plights; but there’s a part of me that weeps selfishly everyday; wishing to be independent and that part of me knows I have to go out and slug it with the rest of the world and then I feel like I’m going to drown in my own irrational fears.

Deteriorating as I get older but the same pathetic teenager who had no clue of his future still stares back at me in the mirror.

Despite being anonymous; I loathe the idea of other aspies seeing these words. And in an instant I’m as apathetic because I’d rather have work and live on the tip of a far flung mountain range or maybe be dead; why is that always floating in my head? Death.

Whether I mean to or not it’s never too far behind.

Screw this post.

rattus-rattus

Oh Faces, lips, contours and fences;
The moon revolves around the sun.
Two questions: That a smile or a sneer?
I couldn’t tell I’m a tad queer.
Not ashamed merely curious
delirious, insidious with mental areas!

“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”“”

A new observation:

This could be a result of being asocial but faces appear digitally imposed, fake, as if the face/head and body don’t belong to the same person. Is there a name for this? There’s a label for everything you know.

Related

Related to Microwave.

You do not mean to be, mean; Aloof! Cold-shouldered.

People talk to you and you spit one word replies and grunts with such skilled drudgery even zombies have a brighter disposition.

Those hollow Eyes are everywhere but in the here and now.

You consume that strong clear liquid.
What’s this? Feeling… A smile, cheeks warm with life; you’re talking and laughing and hungry for interaction.

Sighs heavy. Shakes head leaden. Fear swells in the chest and you think about how large Saturn is, or whales; and there’s something wrong with everybody’s face. Digitally imposed.

Clicks «post» with much discomfort.