Aspergers and Symbolism (sidetracked by A.D.D)

Symbols are images, and images are visible, tangible (not always but mostly) objects/things.

I write the way I do, read the types of books I read, enjoy the kinds of movies I enjoy and notice physical features others might not BECAUSE of my Aspergers.

Now, what does that say about WHO I am? If within my mother’s womb I was set up for the kind of person I am now?

Personally I have no problem having such sensitive eyes (ooooh) and a vivid imagination, but the question of identity strikes me most profoundly just bellow my gut.

Who am I? Am I who I am? Or is who I am what I really am?

I do no want kids (is it I or is that my internal network of reasoning and logic-crunching?)

I do not want a “partner”, relationships do not interest me (despite my having fantasies of being with the “right” kind of person who matches me like a glove) … I am aware such fancies exist in the realm of television, so with my excessive reasoning I forego the wish to be with anyone. It is entirely logic based (and I like that)

Is THAT me? Or is that little infant suspended upside down in a bag of urine (just facts) already made?

Alas whatever the answer, it makes no difference, not to me at least.

With all of that said, this logic brain values friendships (despite having naught) over anything else because (theoretically speaking) they are choices we make to pick people who (should) be in our lives “till death do us part”, in the most true sense of the sentiment. No ring B.S, no ceremony, just mates (sings “I’ll be there with you”) ’till the end.

Asperganoid OUT.

(Wait what was I saying about symbolism?) Argh!


Quiet Kisses and a Date Night at Home

They Kiss Quiet

He kisses quiet and she kisses quiet

Nobody knows when they kiss except them

Any passion in their kiss is shared in private;
They haven’t done the French kiss;

He isn’t a prude, it’s the saliva, and besides – how do you coordinate such a thing?

She isn’t a prude either, it’s that foreign warmth, the texture of a tongue (her own tongue gives her the shivers at the best of times), what more a strangers’?

They watch porn together;
they’re fucking like maniacs, she says

He nods, adding: and so loud,

All of that sweat she concludes

They haven’t had sex, they would like to, theoretically. The idea of losing yourself in the moment, in another person, they both agree that this would be an exciting occasion. Although that’s very Hollywood, that «losing yourselves in the other», what does it actually mean, she wonders

He blunts out a theory, maybe like when a really deep song is playing you close your eyes and for those minutes you’re gone, on a another planet

She adds: In another dimension

They smile, if sex is like that then maybe it won’t be too bad, a few seconds of contemplative facial expressions, wistful even, quickly turn to frowns and furrowed brows

But the smell! And the noises! They both blurt out, laughter rings out in front of the muted TV.

Endless fucking; even in movies without sex, they manage to squeeze in something, be it a pointless relationship or love interest (or brothel, she intercepts). His words hover for a second.

The whole world is a Sex of Noise, she declares,

He smiles, nodding, but frowns immediately.
The porn flick concludes with an “Over the Moon” money shot and fades to black.

She says: I wonder what the rest of her day will be like. Wouldn’t it be funny if she went to visit the family back home and she’s kissing grandma and sister’s daughters.

They laugh and watch Classic Tom & Jerry cartoons into the mid-night and beyond.

Incognito, My Dear

Saturday morning frost prickles curtains underbelly

Today out of slumber I rose peacefully

Thoughts a carnival of ponderence and winter loathing.

This non-localised-sense births coherence when partnered with rhyme!

Much intrigue in my deductions… Much indeed.

Try not to think of plots in holes. I free myself with this game I holds.

What stifles more other than rhyme marrying grammar? If, of a union, there was none – then words would be so such fun!

1. Expectations: Fixing psycho-mechanical problems (Some aspie calibrations)


Expectation and its relationship with frustration/anxiety.

Behavioural Remodelling of ones eXeN (expectation engine)

The more narrow ones social experiences; the more off kilter the eXeN.

Logic as a tool to solve illogical behaviour born out of ignorance and copy/paste mirroring.

With sound guidance – especially for a mind that requires clear to understand instructions – change is possible.

The greatest frustration of all?

A hammer of a statement:

The mind is more complicated than that.