NB: Might be having an episode or maybe too cowardice to pin what I am about to say to my chest.
A dross open letter to those who have ‘made it’ (even though they seem to be ignorant of that fact).
To all of you Functional Aspiez:
Dear FuAs’s! I am delighted (neigh, covetous) for your current conditions in life. Some of you have jobs, partners, kids, and others are students.
I do not mean to belittle any strife you may have within. Anxieties and hyper-sensativities and “shabby” social skills.
There are valiant advocacy battles being fought. And yet there is one area which bothers me; the argument about asperger’s not being a disability, or a syndrome, or a problem at all.
Now I must say, in the beginning; I was behind this call for change.
But my reality and many more others is not the same as the aspies who have some how ‘made it’.
I am baffled at how successful many are in life (perhaps I am just a colossal wreck? It’s not the aspie, it’s something else like being worthless or having to speak in 19th century tongue to express yourself properly)
But I literally cannot shed a tear for you when the first sentence of your problems in your blog has “boss” and “colleagues” in it.
Put aside for a second, the economic hardship we all face, jobless or not; I’m talking about mental struggles that prevent the first job interview from happening, that make school/college a war zone! The faces, the social structures, the general outdoors!
For some of us, there’s a force field thick as the moon by the door!
I have deep empathy for your plights; but there’s a part of me that weeps selfishly everyday; wishing to be independent and that part of me knows I have to go out and slug it with the rest of the world and then I feel like I’m going to drown in my own irrational fears.
Deteriorating as I get older but the same pathetic teenager who had no clue of his future still stares back at me in the mirror.
Despite being anonymous; I loathe the idea of other aspies seeing these words. And in an instant I’m as apathetic because I’d rather have work and live on the tip of a far flung mountain range or maybe be dead; why is that always floating in my head? Death.
Whether I mean to or not it’s never too far behind.
Screw this post.