Syntax Arm Wrestle

Masturbating in the absence of professional optometrists endangers the sobriety of waterlogged store clerks. 

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If You Know Me By Now Then You Don’t Know Me At All

If I crash my bag of incontinence and it flourishes beyond my reach would that make it O.K. for my defendants to do as they very well please?

I ask earnestly and would appreciate an answer pithily lest this caffeinated cup of tear-drops loses all character.
I’ll have you know my tongue only appreciates painstakingly cultivated character,
in all hot beverages be they tall, thin, and wide or not at all in between either way from here to there.
In a matter of speaking.

So if you will without much further undue digress afford me singularly a response
Do not mind my feelings, truth is of the most – the utmost, I beg your pardon – validity.